The Winchester

I'm going to preface this with a quick disclaimer . Of sorts. I will not be using the names of those involved, aside from myself and few uses of Nichole. I will be omitting the reasons for attending this wedding, no talk of familial relations will be found herein. I don't want to offend, really, but the story must be told. Also, this is pretty long. First off, this wedding took place in an American Legion building, somewhere in or around Laurel, MD. I cannot say for sure, as I am not sure. We pulled up, and looking out of the window I saw a few people getting out of their car in the parking lot. One was wearing a neon pink dress. And so it begins. We parked in front of the building, but we had to walk around to a side door to get inside. We knew this because there was a dry-erase board on a stand with the words Wedding party written diagonally and a crude arrow pointing towards the side of the building. And so it continues. Walking in, there were streamers1 of som...

There's a great article from the Baltimore Sun about the greatest offensive linemen ever, Jonathan Ogden. I suggest you go check it out . That's all for now. Tune in soon for The Greatest Wedding Ever.

Ike Turner won't have his own day. The Mayor of St. Louis has turned down a request to make September 2nd " Ike Turner Day ". I don't know about you, but this is a complete travesty. For an ethically superior man such as Ike Turner to not have his own day is ridiculous. I bet his 13 ex-wives are incensed. He wrote an autobiography in 2001, in which he denied his supposed abuse of Tina Turner during their marriage. Here is a quick quote from said autobiography. "Sure, I've slapped Tina... There have been times when I punched her to the ground without thinking. But I never beat her." Give this man his day. Anyone who can go toe-to-toe with Tina Turner in a no-holds-barred slugfest automatically gets both my support, and my love. Each of which is fleeting, so hold on to it. __________ PETA is screaming for Michael Vick's head. Nike has suspended his shoe. People are protesting with cries of "Sack Vick," which I find excruciatingly origin...

So I guess when you get older, you're just allowed to not know how things work. I was on my way back from getting dinner tonight, and I passed by two older folks getting out of their car after parking on the side of the road by a parking meter. This road has parking meters, which is the reason I am writing this entry you are currently loving the shit out of. So they got out, and both of them walked up to the parking meter. Parking meters have apparently been around since the 1930's, the first of which was installed in Oklahoma City in '35. This says to me that everyone, at least in the United States, knows what a parking meter is and has at least seen someone work it. Which is why it struck me as odd that both of these old folks looked at the thing like it just sprung up next to their car when they parked at might at any time jump out at them and rob them of their social security checks. Maybe they watched too much Get Smart and thought perhaps there was a secret age...

As much as I would like it, I guess I'm better off having not developed telepathic abilities. "Why is that?" you ask, not really listening in the first place. Well, I probably would have killed at least a dozen people today by broadcasting the words FAST LANE in giant neon flashing letters directly into their minds, causing instant brain aneurysms and a huge accident leading to hours worth of traffic jams. Seriously, if you are going to drive around under the speed limit with a large cooler and several bulk packs of bottled water strapped haphazardly to the roof of your car, it may be best for all involved in the drive if you kept to the right of the four-lane-65-mph highway. Only you can prevent forest fires.

I just read a story over on Ain't It Cool News that caused my blood to turn cold. Apparently, The Powers That Be in Hollywood are planning on making Ace Ventura 3 . Normally, I would stand and applaud this decision, and explain to those I socialize with how great of an idea this really and truly is. I cannot do that, unfortunately. They are making it without Jim Carrey. "How is that even possible?" you ask with shock and no awe. Well, it seems they will be using the premise that has always worked so well in the past with sequels. It will be Ace Ventura's son that has the adventure. Something about a panda. It doesn't matter. This hasn't worked before, and will not work now. I loved Dumb & Dumber . The sequel sucked. Or prequel, I guess. Why was it so bad? Because Jim Carrey wasn't in it. If you are going to a sequel, you must have both Carrey and Daniels. Take a look at all the good sequels out there. Even good spinoffs. They have somet...

I have something to write about regarding a commercial I saw last night. It was only 45 seconds long, but it smacked me right in the face and screamed, "Wake up!!! People will buy anything!!!!" But I'm not going to write about that right now. Instead, here are photos of old 80's vintage He-Man action figures I used to have. Both He-Man's and Skeletor's mounts are not included, nor any vehicles. I think that's about all of them. At least, from what I can remember. I also had several He-Man vehicles, plus the aforementioned mounts of He-Man and Skeletor, the tiger and panther respectively. I know. It's all pretty awesome.

First off, the World's Tallest Man just got married. Bao Xishun is 7'9", and his wife comes in at a respectable 5'6". Let's all take a moment to wish them well, and to assume the stereotypical Street Fighter garb is only for the PR photo. Secondly, it seems a former Paris nightclub owner - no, not that Paris - has come out and said that Jim Morrison actually died in a toilet stall in his club back in 1971. This goes against the original account of his death, which finds him dead in a bathtub in his hotel room, down the hall from Meg Ryan. Sorry, that was Val Kilmer. His death has been surrounded by speculation (much as Jimi's, Bob's, and every other music icon that bought the farm), but the overdose-in-the-tub story is generally accepted. Naked Indian Optional. This guy is now putting out a book, where he informs us of the true demise of Morrison. Supposedly he had some doctor guy come into the bathroom, confirm Morrison's death, then some dr...

In roughly exactly 33 days to the approximate T, I will be turning 30 years of age. August 13th is my birthday, and I counted the days until then, taking into account the 31 days July has, and came up with 33. That's how I figured it out. Not only is this date monumental in the marking of my 30th year of life outside the womb, it is also the time in which I have decided I need to give up childish things. No, no, not the comics or frequent Star Wars viewings or video games or toy collecting or immature and politically incorrect jokes. Rather, smoking. I have been a smoker since I was 16, or thereabouts. I remember getting mad at something, possibly my parents or something with school or the lack of any and all attraction being received from the opposite sex. Whatever it was, I met a friend of mine at the lake near the mall and had myself one of his cigarettes. I didn't inhale. Nor did I inhale the next several I smoked in the days and weeks following. Then, one day, outside of t...

I was drinking at a bar in Old Ellicott City tonight. The bar is called La Palapa . The pattern on the bathroom floor looks exactly like the deli mustard used at my favorite deli across from my work. I do not like deli mustard anyway, as it is flush with horseradish, which I am also not fond of. Even so, I will never eat their hot deli mustard. Even if I liked deli mustard. French's all the way!! I should go to bed.

To quote Jim Carrey in The Cable Guy : "I don't know what the big fuss is about... It ruled!" Detractors, shut it. I just saw Transformers . Seriously, I got out of the theater at 3:17pm today. I had pretzel bites with mustard and a Coke. I also had a Fan-Boy orgasm that lasted as long as the movie did. This movie rocked . It was awesome. It was a spectacle among spectacles. Whether or not you like Michael Bay is irrelevant. The movie is good, naysayers be damned. Allow me to address several of the Reasons Not To Like Transformers that I have read or heard from various people. Some from reviews on Ain't It Cool News , others from Comingsoon.net , and a few other sources. This is not to say those sites only showcased negative reviews. Far from it, they had several positive as well. One of these is No Character Development. This is a dumb complaint for two reasons. One, the only human character you really need to care about is Sam Witwicky, played by Shia LaBeouf . T...

Jason Lee... why hast thou forsaken us? On a side note: It's bad enough they're making this movie. But if they really portray Alvin, Simon, and Theodore as little gangsta chipmunks, I will go on a shooting spree in Hollywood.

Not a Transformers review, just a small part of a Transformers review. Ain't It Cool News has several on their site, some with spoilers and some without. I only read the reviews without spoilers, as I would rather find out the important stuff by watching the movie. I do like to read the regular reviews on their site, as many are posted by fanboys such as myself. So below is the greatest compliment I've ever seen a movie get by someone. Click on the quote and it will take you to the review itself. "It was awesome. It was like a big honking slice of Awesome-toast buttered on both sides with awesome. It was a double serving of Hell Fucking Yeah with a side order of OMFG. If you are pumped for this, if you are ready to embrace this, if you want nothing more than to see mind blowing action unlike anything you have ever witnessed, then you will shit your shorts and giggle like a fucking school girl." If that isn't a shining, glowing endorsement to go see Transform...

Look, I know I'm late to the party with this, but eBay might just be one of the Best Things Ever. I have found everything I could ever want on there and more so. Seriously, remember Brewster's Millions ? If I was to get that kind of money, eBay would become my bitch so fast it would be forced to change it's URL to eBayThanksMatt.com. Among the treasures I have purchased. The entire set of Frank Miller 's Sin City graphic novels for roughly $60. In the store, that would have run me well over $100. I am currently awaiting an updated version of the game Oregon Trail . Yeah, that's right. Several other graphic novels. A McNair Ravens jersey for Nichole. The entire run of The Greatest American Hero on DVD. Matchbox cars, one of which is a Special Edition Knight Rider KITT. A Pac-Man lunchbox. Battle Beasts. Some Star-Com toys. An Atmosfear game from way back (scary game where you had to watch a VHS starring an Evil Guy along with the game) And let's not...

Transformers comes out on July 3rd. This movie will have giant robots fighting each other. One of those giant robots is pictured below. His name is Optimus Prime and he is the leader of the Autobots. This movie will also have a young woman by the name of Megan Fox playing the lead female role. She is pictured below and seems to be the love interest for Shia LeBeouf. There is no way any straight male between the ages of 6 and 40 should not see this movie. Just a thought.