My Restaurant. Volume Two.
You know you've been waiting.
The Bathrooms.
Each bathroom in My Restaurant will be an amalgam of everything good I've seen from place to place. I personally am not a big fan of the public bathroom. If I need to 'drop the kids off', to use a phrase I heard on Golden Girls, I much prefer the privacy of my own home where I have the kind of literature I enjoy and where there are no people coming in and sitting in the stall next to me. I do not want to see someone else's feet, nor hear their exertion.
Which brings me to my first feature. Each stall wall will go from the ceiling to the floor. No gap underneath on either side, no opening up top to allow birds-eye view onlookers. You know who you are. There will be a vent located overtop of each stall to allow for the optimum vacuuming of rancid smells. The door will not include this luxury. The door will have a gap at top and bottom as your typical stall door has now. The reason for this is simple. There has to be a way to get in and out if, for some strange reason, you find yourself trapped in a stall. On a side note, if you do manage to trap yourself in and are not "special" and/or old, you will be made to wear a sticker for the rest of the restaurant dining experience saying something like: I was trapped in the bathroom and couldn't get out. Feel free to snicker, point, and berate.
As I was saying. Each door will also have, on the lock, something akin to the airline's and port-a-potties OCCUPIED latches. You enter, lock the door, and the bathroom door tells other possible stall attendees to move on, you got this. For one added treat, each stall will have a push-button sound neutralizer. This will be attached to the wall. There will be a choice of Ocean Waves, Cricket Coalescence, and Sounds of the Wu-Tang.
This way, your unpleasant gaseous emissions stay as they should be. Silent But Deadly.
As we move from stalls, I must bring up the urinals to be found in the men's bathroom. They will have separation. Too often I enter a bathroom, use the urinal only to not have some sort of partition between myself and my current bathroomate. This is a problem in several ways. I'll go over a few. 1) For some reason, he could have a twitch or sudden movement that aims his urine stream in my direction and ruining my pants. 2) He could try to get a peek at my junk and threaten my sexuality. 3) I could accidentally get a look at his junk, which could either scar me, fill me with envy, or threaten my sexuality.So, in light of this threat, there will be a dividing panel in-between every urinal in the bathroom. There will be at least 4 urinals. They will have urinal cakes, maybe a clean-cotton smell or patented book-store scent.
From there, we make our way to the sinks. If there was a way to get everyone to wash their hands after using the bathroom, I would make it mandatory. Unfortunately, some people think that after handling genitalia, it is perfectly ok to touch other things and eat food with the same hands. It is not okay. So to try and shove the point home, a sign will be posted on the back of the door with a note such as this:
Each sink will have a foam soap dispenser above it. I love the foam soap stuff. It's cool looking and works well. So, foam soap. The sink itself will not have the push-down-for-seven-seconds-of-running-water faucets, but the kind we all know and love. Knobs. They will turn, water will run. How to dry? Hand Blowers. Now, before you groan, hear me out. I'm not talking about the kind you push and it shoots out a barely-there breeze that would take 10 minutes to dry each hand if you hadn't already become annoyed and wiped your hands on your pants. I have been to a bathroom in a restaurant near my house that has the best hand blowers I've ever had the joy of placing my wet hands under. They get very warm very quick, and blow extremely hard.
Usually, when I say something blows extremely hard, I am making a comment as to the something's amount of sucking. In this case, take it literally. They dried my hands in no time flat. With your typical hand blowers, it takes at least two rounds and you're still left with partially sodden mitts. These, you will be done before the air runs out. They're that good.
The music being played in the men's bathroom will not teach you Spanish. It will not be music. What it will be is Sports Broadcast. Most likely, My Restaurant will be equipped with some sort of satellite radio. So whichever station plays 24 hour sports broadcasting will be pumped into the men's bathroom. Don't like sports? Too bad. I do. This station will be national, but will have a lean towards Baltimore sports. For the women's? I have no idea yet. I plan on utilizing the suggestions and opinions offered by the fairer sex to implement a theme pleasing to any lady wishing to evacuate any and all of her bowels in the women's bathroom.
The door will have simple signs. Men. Women. No figures of people, no alternate language or new-wave way of determining gender. If you are foreign and do not know what Men means, then you probably shouldn't come to my restaurant because I will not be offering a translation. There will be a spot outside by the dumpster you can use.
I may have forgotten other features, so if I think of any I'll add them on. Next time I describe My Restaurant, I plan on going over the Bar section of the establishment. You will find seating arrangements, some of the beer we will have for consumption, as well as some of the bar food you will be able to enjoy.
Oh, one last thing. The toilet paper will have cartoons from The Far Side on them. Just, try to read them before you use them. It's not as gross that way.
The Bathrooms.
Each bathroom in My Restaurant will be an amalgam of everything good I've seen from place to place. I personally am not a big fan of the public bathroom. If I need to 'drop the kids off', to use a phrase I heard on Golden Girls, I much prefer the privacy of my own home where I have the kind of literature I enjoy and where there are no people coming in and sitting in the stall next to me. I do not want to see someone else's feet, nor hear their exertion.
Which brings me to my first feature. Each stall wall will go from the ceiling to the floor. No gap underneath on either side, no opening up top to allow birds-eye view onlookers. You know who you are. There will be a vent located overtop of each stall to allow for the optimum vacuuming of rancid smells. The door will not include this luxury. The door will have a gap at top and bottom as your typical stall door has now. The reason for this is simple. There has to be a way to get in and out if, for some strange reason, you find yourself trapped in a stall. On a side note, if you do manage to trap yourself in and are not "special" and/or old, you will be made to wear a sticker for the rest of the restaurant dining experience saying something like: I was trapped in the bathroom and couldn't get out. Feel free to snicker, point, and berate.
As I was saying. Each door will also have, on the lock, something akin to the airline's and port-a-potties OCCUPIED latches. You enter, lock the door, and the bathroom door tells other possible stall attendees to move on, you got this. For one added treat, each stall will have a push-button sound neutralizer. This will be attached to the wall. There will be a choice of Ocean Waves, Cricket Coalescence, and Sounds of the Wu-Tang.
This way, your unpleasant gaseous emissions stay as they should be. Silent But Deadly.
As we move from stalls, I must bring up the urinals to be found in the men's bathroom. They will have separation. Too often I enter a bathroom, use the urinal only to not have some sort of partition between myself and my current bathroomate. This is a problem in several ways. I'll go over a few. 1) For some reason, he could have a twitch or sudden movement that aims his urine stream in my direction and ruining my pants. 2) He could try to get a peek at my junk and threaten my sexuality. 3) I could accidentally get a look at his junk, which could either scar me, fill me with envy, or threaten my sexuality.So, in light of this threat, there will be a dividing panel in-between every urinal in the bathroom. There will be at least 4 urinals. They will have urinal cakes, maybe a clean-cotton smell or patented book-store scent.
From there, we make our way to the sinks. If there was a way to get everyone to wash their hands after using the bathroom, I would make it mandatory. Unfortunately, some people think that after handling genitalia, it is perfectly ok to touch other things and eat food with the same hands. It is not okay. So to try and shove the point home, a sign will be posted on the back of the door with a note such as this:
Wash your hands?
If not, you are a foul, foul person
and should be ostracized and
never come back to My Restaurant.
Usually, when I say something blows extremely hard, I am making a comment as to the something's amount of sucking. In this case, take it literally. They dried my hands in no time flat. With your typical hand blowers, it takes at least two rounds and you're still left with partially sodden mitts. These, you will be done before the air runs out. They're that good.
The music being played in the men's bathroom will not teach you Spanish. It will not be music. What it will be is Sports Broadcast. Most likely, My Restaurant will be equipped with some sort of satellite radio. So whichever station plays 24 hour sports broadcasting will be pumped into the men's bathroom. Don't like sports? Too bad. I do. This station will be national, but will have a lean towards Baltimore sports. For the women's? I have no idea yet. I plan on utilizing the suggestions and opinions offered by the fairer sex to implement a theme pleasing to any lady wishing to evacuate any and all of her bowels in the women's bathroom.
The door will have simple signs. Men. Women. No figures of people, no alternate language or new-wave way of determining gender. If you are foreign and do not know what Men means, then you probably shouldn't come to my restaurant because I will not be offering a translation. There will be a spot outside by the dumpster you can use.
I may have forgotten other features, so if I think of any I'll add them on. Next time I describe My Restaurant, I plan on going over the Bar section of the establishment. You will find seating arrangements, some of the beer we will have for consumption, as well as some of the bar food you will be able to enjoy.
Oh, one last thing. The toilet paper will have cartoons from The Far Side on them. Just, try to read them before you use them. It's not as gross that way.
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