The Greatest Wedding Ever.
I'm going to preface this with a quick disclaimer. Of sorts. I will not be using the names of those involved, aside from myself and few uses of Nichole. I will be omitting the reasons for attending this wedding, no talk of familial relations will be found herein. I don't want to offend, really, but the story must be told. Also, this is pretty long.
First off, this wedding took place in an American Legion building, somewhere in or around Laurel, MD. I cannot say for sure, as I am not sure. We pulled up, and looking out of the window I saw a few people getting out of their car in the parking lot. One was wearing a neon pink dress. And so it begins.
We parked in front of the building, but we had to walk around to a side door to get inside. We knew this because there was a dry-erase board on a stand with the words Wedding party written diagonally and a crude arrow pointing towards the side of the building. And so it continues.
Walking in, there were streamers1 of some sort of shiny blue fabric hanging from the doorframe. Past that was the main room. Or, "only room." It was a large room with 6 rows of picnic tables, separated into groups of 3 so that an aisle was created in the middle. Going up the aisle, we come to the head table, situated directly in front of the stage.
The stage. It was approximately 9 feet high, at least. I've never even seen a band on a stage that high.
One of the nice things I can say is in regard to the table decorations. There were lines of sand about 4 inches across and 2 feet long, with tall candles on each end and small votives in between. Intermingled with the votives were small seashells. It was actually a pretty neat idea.
There was no assigned seating, except for the groom side on the right, bride on the left. We sat down near the end of one table, and were summarily asked to move down just a bit because they were saving some seats. Come to find out the seat savers were in the Bride category, and just chose to sit on the Groom side. Instead of telling them, the Powers That Be at the wedding just kind of shrugged and agreed, Yes, they were on the wrong side. So we switched sides. More room over there anyway.
The Groom hadn't arrived yet, by the way. Wedding was set for 3pm, it was now about 2:45pm. Plenty of time!
Many nicely folded napkins and silverware marked where seats where available. Inside the napkins, tucked like little fortunes in a cookie, were small candles wrapped in sparkly netting. Attached to the netting were the couples' names and the wedding date. A nice little touch. Unfortunately, whoever was responsible spelled the Groom's name wrong on every one, and half of them had the year as being 2207.
The Wedding Of The Future, is what I like to think of it.
Along the walls were small decorations, but what I noticed was the alphabet. I'm not sure why it was there, or what previous function put them up, but the two side walls had letters taped to them To the left began A, B, C... etc. It picked up on the other side to Z, skipping a random letter here and there. I remember noticing the letter O being suspiciously absent. I'm still confused as to its whereabouts.
Open bar, dude. Unfortunately, that consisted of liquor and a choice between Miller or Bud. I'm not a fan of either, being a high class beer snob (is Blue Moon high class? I like to think so), so I stuck to Coke. It was probably a good idea not to get drunk, as you will see later.
There was a singer there, to sing the wedding song and the song for the first dance. Apparently, this girl sings opera, and does it well. The problem here was, she was relegated to singing country songs. So in the end, it sounded more like a mediocre American Idol audition that Simon would have promptly panned, Randy would have dogged it, and Paula would have thrown up.
Not because of how bad it was, just because Paula seems like the type to just randomly throw up.
The Groom arrives! It is now roughly 3:45pm. Supposedly, he needed to go back to his house to get his shoes and the wedding band. Upon arrival, he was wearing sneakers. Hmm. I'm going to Benefit Of The Doubt him and assume he has his nice shoes in a bag, as to not scuff them.
I was wrong. He wore sneakers the whole time, and had to be convinced by several others to not wear a hat. It's okay though, because at least two of the groomsmen were also sporting sneaks. At least one of them actually matched the rest of the outfit, so, kudos.
It seems he also lost the ring. Couldn't find it, didn't have it. He had to borrow his Aunt's ring to use until he could find it. I know this because they made the exchange right in front of me, during the general pre-ceremony confusion that suggested the rehearsal was a bit of a waste of time.
The Groom and his Men made their way to the top of the stage, way, way, way above our heads. There they stood with the priest, as everyone continued to talk amongst themselves and people walked around in a hurry so they could get everything organized. This didn't happen.
What did happen, it seemed like to me, was the DJ (who was in a wheelchair and had a card that read Mobile Music Something Or Other which I thought was awesome) just got tired of the general confusion and started the Walking Down The Aisle music. It wasn't the song you're thinking of, just some random sweet music.
The first bridesmaid started down, and by the time the second one came out, there had been several hundred SHH's handed out amongst the guests. Seriously, some just decided they would finish their conversation anyway, wedding etiquette be damned, as this is so obviously their day. I mean, they showed up, right? Why do they have to be quiet??
When the procession was complete, the Bride and Groom stood facing each other - or that's what it looked like from the peanut gallery, but it was hard to tell from so far down the mountain. We all waited for the song to finish. It did, and everyone was hushed, waiting for the priest to begin. Which he did not.
Instead, the Opera Singer started up. Sang a five minute or so song. From This Moment, by Shania Twain.
So through the entire song, we all stayed standing, and the Bride and Groom held hands and looked at each other. It was at that point I realized I forgot my iPod.
The song ends. We can now begin. The priest starts his spiel. I am able to tell he is talking because I see his mouth moving, and everyone lined up by him seems to be paying attention. We cannot hear him, as he is not mic'ed up and is 74 feet in the air. About 3 minutes into his repertoire, someone brings him a microphone to hold. We get his voice booming majestically through the speakers in mid-sentence. Now, because he is holding the mic in one hand and the Bible in the other, he has to maneuver a bit to turn the pages. It causes a noticeable delay, but so far the entire ceremony has been a noticeable delay.
They kiss, we clap, some hoot and holler, and it ends. They file off-stage in a slightly more controlled fashion than the entrance onto the stage and take their seats at the head table. Food is brought out, a first course of sorts with cheese, fruit, vegetables and crackers. So we get in line, snag ourselves some cheddar and muenster, a few butterfly crackers and take our seats to discuss the ceremony.
Eventually, the food comes out. This is all buffet style. No assigned order, just come and get it. I don't even think offer was made to the head table to go first. No one moved until someone moved, then it was on. On and poppin'. An interesting salad with strawberries in it, which was pretty good. Some potato salad I didn't have, some pasta salad I did have, and some meat. Roast beef, turkey, and ham, all carved fresh. So that was good. I had plenty of beef and salad after scanning the plates with a UV light.
We wind down. The Groom cannot be found at any point in which he needs to be found for pictures, a dance, or a hearty congratulations. At one point he asked Nichole when we would be getting married, and referred to me at least three times as "This Fool." I had no idea I was so foolish, and I apologize to you all for it.
They dance their first dance, to the tune of a song I cannot remember but was sung by the Opera Singer. This sounded about the same as before. I really want to go hear her sing opera, just to be reassured. Very nice girl, though, don't take my criticism for dislike. Others start dancing, at which point the DJ has to ask everyone to clear the dance floor so the Bride and Groom can dance. This request is promptly ignored.
The time comes when everything seems finished and it's time to say our goodbyes. Also, people are walking around very fast as if there is a problem somewhere and it can only be solved by fast walking and concerned looks. Oh, and unnecessary dramatic flair from some bridesmaid. If you communicate louder than everyone else, you will be sure to solve all problems. Remember that, kids.
We make our way outside after saying goodbye to 3 people, where there is a pickup idling. Beside this pick-up is an angry young man being talked to in rushed tones by the Groom, who is Taking Control Of The Situation. The Situation focusing on one of the guests, who is in jeans and a t-shirt laying down in the back of the pick-up and cursing. He was also throwing beer cans and other random items out of the truck. I know this because the bridesmaid made sure we could all hear it. Were you outside that day? You might have heard it.
We got out of there nice and quick after that. As we were leaving, I untucked my shirt. It was time.
We pulled out of the parking spot slowly, as random people were randomly walking in random places. We pulled out into the road, drove about 15 seconds and came to a light, right behind the pick-up truck. I know the drunk guy was still in the back, because both hands came up at one point sporting middle fingers. Not towards us, but rather the people in the cab who were driving him away. So we were sitting there at the light, and who should happen to pass us heading in the direction of the wedding? Two cop cars, lights-a-flashing.
Cops were called. To a wedding.
Amid the confusion, I managed to swipe a misspelled and incorrectly dated candle. With that and some of the pics and videos I took, there are memories that will last a lifetime.
Open bar, dude. Unfortunately, that consisted of liquor and a choice between Miller or Bud. I'm not a fan of either, being a high class beer snob (is Blue Moon high class? I like to think so), so I stuck to Coke. It was probably a good idea not to get drunk, as you will see later.
There was a singer there, to sing the wedding song and the song for the first dance. Apparently, this girl sings opera, and does it well. The problem here was, she was relegated to singing country songs. So in the end, it sounded more like a mediocre American Idol audition that Simon would have promptly panned, Randy would have dogged it, and Paula would have thrown up.
Not because of how bad it was, just because Paula seems like the type to just randomly throw up.
The Groom arrives! It is now roughly 3:45pm. Supposedly, he needed to go back to his house to get his shoes and the wedding band. Upon arrival, he was wearing sneakers. Hmm. I'm going to Benefit Of The Doubt him and assume he has his nice shoes in a bag, as to not scuff them.
I was wrong. He wore sneakers the whole time, and had to be convinced by several others to not wear a hat. It's okay though, because at least two of the groomsmen were also sporting sneaks. At least one of them actually matched the rest of the outfit, so, kudos.
It seems he also lost the ring. Couldn't find it, didn't have it. He had to borrow his Aunt's ring to use until he could find it. I know this because they made the exchange right in front of me, during the general pre-ceremony confusion that suggested the rehearsal was a bit of a waste of time.
The Groom and his Men made their way to the top of the stage, way, way, way above our heads. There they stood with the priest, as everyone continued to talk amongst themselves and people walked around in a hurry so they could get everything organized. This didn't happen.
What did happen, it seemed like to me, was the DJ (who was in a wheelchair and had a card that read Mobile Music Something Or Other which I thought was awesome) just got tired of the general confusion and started the Walking Down The Aisle music. It wasn't the song you're thinking of, just some random sweet music.
The first bridesmaid started down, and by the time the second one came out, there had been several hundred SHH's handed out amongst the guests. Seriously, some just decided they would finish their conversation anyway, wedding etiquette be damned, as this is so obviously their day. I mean, they showed up, right? Why do they have to be quiet??
When the procession was complete, the Bride and Groom stood facing each other - or that's what it looked like from the peanut gallery, but it was hard to tell from so far down the mountain. We all waited for the song to finish. It did, and everyone was hushed, waiting for the priest to begin. Which he did not.
Instead, the Opera Singer started up. Sang a five minute or so song. From This Moment, by Shania Twain.
So through the entire song, we all stayed standing, and the Bride and Groom held hands and looked at each other. It was at that point I realized I forgot my iPod.
The song ends. We can now begin. The priest starts his spiel. I am able to tell he is talking because I see his mouth moving, and everyone lined up by him seems to be paying attention. We cannot hear him, as he is not mic'ed up and is 74 feet in the air. About 3 minutes into his repertoire, someone brings him a microphone to hold. We get his voice booming majestically through the speakers in mid-sentence. Now, because he is holding the mic in one hand and the Bible in the other, he has to maneuver a bit to turn the pages. It causes a noticeable delay, but so far the entire ceremony has been a noticeable delay.
They kiss, we clap, some hoot and holler, and it ends. They file off-stage in a slightly more controlled fashion than the entrance onto the stage and take their seats at the head table. Food is brought out, a first course of sorts with cheese, fruit, vegetables and crackers. So we get in line, snag ourselves some cheddar and muenster, a few butterfly crackers and take our seats to discuss the ceremony.
Eventually, the food comes out. This is all buffet style. No assigned order, just come and get it. I don't even think offer was made to the head table to go first. No one moved until someone moved, then it was on. On and poppin'. An interesting salad with strawberries in it, which was pretty good. Some potato salad I didn't have, some pasta salad I did have, and some meat. Roast beef, turkey, and ham, all carved fresh. So that was good. I had plenty of beef and salad after scanning the plates with a UV light.
We wind down. The Groom cannot be found at any point in which he needs to be found for pictures, a dance, or a hearty congratulations. At one point he asked Nichole when we would be getting married, and referred to me at least three times as "This Fool." I had no idea I was so foolish, and I apologize to you all for it.
They dance their first dance, to the tune of a song I cannot remember but was sung by the Opera Singer. This sounded about the same as before. I really want to go hear her sing opera, just to be reassured. Very nice girl, though, don't take my criticism for dislike. Others start dancing, at which point the DJ has to ask everyone to clear the dance floor so the Bride and Groom can dance. This request is promptly ignored.
The time comes when everything seems finished and it's time to say our goodbyes. Also, people are walking around very fast as if there is a problem somewhere and it can only be solved by fast walking and concerned looks. Oh, and unnecessary dramatic flair from some bridesmaid. If you communicate louder than everyone else, you will be sure to solve all problems. Remember that, kids.
We make our way outside after saying goodbye to 3 people, where there is a pickup idling. Beside this pick-up is an angry young man being talked to in rushed tones by the Groom, who is Taking Control Of The Situation. The Situation focusing on one of the guests, who is in jeans and a t-shirt laying down in the back of the pick-up and cursing. He was also throwing beer cans and other random items out of the truck. I know this because the bridesmaid made sure we could all hear it. Were you outside that day? You might have heard it.
We got out of there nice and quick after that. As we were leaving, I untucked my shirt. It was time.
We pulled out of the parking spot slowly, as random people were randomly walking in random places. We pulled out into the road, drove about 15 seconds and came to a light, right behind the pick-up truck. I know the drunk guy was still in the back, because both hands came up at one point sporting middle fingers. Not towards us, but rather the people in the cab who were driving him away. So we were sitting there at the light, and who should happen to pass us heading in the direction of the wedding? Two cop cars, lights-a-flashing.
Cops were called. To a wedding.
Amid the confusion, I managed to swipe a misspelled and incorrectly dated candle. With that and some of the pics and videos I took, there are memories that will last a lifetime.
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