A Pretty Nice Little Saturday.
This past Saturday was my girlfriend Nichole's birthday. It also happens to be our anniversary day as well, so you can imagine we want to do it up right, which usually includes good food and alcohol. It also involves me opening up the ol' checkbook, as I have two occasions worth of presents to buy. I tend to over-do it, which is part of what makes me so awesome.
We started the day with a nice, juicy hangover. I wasn't too bad off, but the night before she had decided at some point to do several back-to-back shots with people at the bar. I did a French Martini shooter, because I do not drink liquor and cannot stomach whiskey. So I go with the fruity stuff. Yeah, I roll hard.
I have broken the goings-on down into sections of a sort, so if you don't care that we went to the pool, skip that part.
The Morning.
We were supposed to spend the day packing, which completely and totally did not happen. This was decided before we even got out of bed. I did, however, have an errand or two to run. So I got up, this is around 11am, and headed out for about an hour. Where I went and what I did is of no importance here, aside from going to Rite Aid, which is where I found a great last minute gift to go along with my other gifts.
When I got back, she had gone to the grocery store, so I was able to set up my presents. After wrapping a couple last minute presents in Princess wrapping paper, I set them up on the table so she would see them when she got back. She did, we opened presents, etc etc.
Quick list:
1) Soft as all hell bath robe
2) Air freshener thing where you put these wooden rods into some sort of scented oil
3) Decorative hanging thing with a nice phrase on it about memories
4) iPod clock radio that she can put on her desk at work
5) Mary-Jane Watson Barbie doll from Rite Aid. She's holding Spider-Man's mask and it comes with a Spider-Man necklace you can wear. Pretty freakin' sweet.
She got me the special edition 300 for our anniversary and I watched it last night for the first time and it rocks.
The Pool.
Next, we hit the pool. Her sisters and Mom and Aunt and G-Mom and Aunt were down there, along with a couple other apartment complex dwellers. One of the dwellers whom I do not know has a daughter. This poor thing did not get the good genes. She's a thick little girl, probably around 13 or so, and she was wearing a bikini. On top of that, her hair is dark and plentiful, so her legs and thighs were covered. Also, there was a well groomed happy trail going from her belly button to The Place Of Darkness, and nice hairy armpits. It was at this point I attempted a Citizen's Arrest on her mother for blatant child neglect.
After the pool, we got ready to go to The Melting Pot. Great fondue restaurant. We went there last year at the same time. Only difference was, we did not have a gift card this time, and we brought people. Her cousin April and boyfriend Rob, both of whom I've known since high school, which is weird in a Small World kind of way. This is apparently quite the momentous occasion for April as she is a very picky eater.
The Melting Pot.
They both got drinks, Rob and I stuck to ice tea. I thought the ice tea was a little bland, but everything else was good, so I let it go. I had called ahead and told them in was Nic's birthday, so there were some balloons at the table and a complimentary Melting Pot chocolate bar we could take home and fondue ourselves with.
So you start out with a cheese course. We each got a Big Night Out, which includes cheese dip, salad, entree, dessert. Best way to go, the only way to go. We had two fondue pots going, one with Cheddar cheese and the other was a Wisconsin cheese trio. It had three cheeses, which is why they call it a trio, and one of those cheeses was bleu cheese. I know this because it was the only of the trio I knew. It comes with bread chunks, apples, and vegetables to dip. Delicious. During the cheesefest, we were all talking like the gay guy from Family Guy and the old pedophile dude, Herbert, I think, from Family Guy. I'm not sure why this was happening, but I do recall being told to shut up by Nichole for saying, "I'm gonna go suck on that stamen."
Then they bring out the salad. I had the California Salad; mixed greens, other stuff, walnuts, raspberry vinaigrette, and a lot of gorgonzola cheese. Very, very good. I ate it all, then licked everyone's plate. That's when things got awkward.
Next is the entree part. Each of our dishes (for 2 people) consisted of: One lobster tail, three chunks of sirloin, three chunks of teriyaki beef, four chunks of curry chicken, about 6 shrimp, two potstickers, and four chunks of tuna. We also get bowls filled with broccoli, squash, and mushroom caps. Maybe something else. This is all served raw, as we have two different kinds of broth in which to cook all of this.
Several kinds of condiments grace the table as well. A soy-type sauce, a vegetable dip type thing, teriyaki sauce, a sour cream-garlic-something-else thing, melted butter, curry, sweet-and-sour-kind-of one, spicy cocktail sauce, and I believe that is all. The server tells us the cooking times of everything and we begin. It's a free-for-all. We each have two pointy spear thingies, but the table was set for six, so we each were able to use an extra. This led to all sorts of spear thingies flying around stabbing raw meat and shoving it into boiling cauldrons of goodness.
Not much talk was passed around at this point, aside from, "Holy assplay this is good." Or, "This is better than a freshly sucked stamen." Mostly, we just ate and ate and ate. It almost doesn't sound like a ton of food, but it's definitely enough for two and when you add on the cheesy stuff we just ate and the salad, you got yourself a full stomach and angry intestine.
After the hearty meal we've already enjoyed, it's time for dessert. At first, you tend to think, "There's no f'ing way, I'm already close to throwing up." Then, after you get done thinking that, you read over the dessert menu and realize there is in fact a f'ing way. There are roughly a dozen kinds of chocolate fondues to choose from, so with much discussion and drooling, we settled on two: The Yin-Yang, which is white chocolate and dark chocolate mixed, and the S'Mores, a mix of milk chocolate, marshmellows and graham crackers.
The server brought the chocolate, and set the marshmellow on top of the s'mores pot on fire at the table. So that was pretty cool. At that point a cigarette would have gone down smooth as silk, but we still had some work to do, so I let the fire do it's thing.
They bring you a plate with some dippin' items. A slice of cheesecake, 4 marshmellows (two covered in coconut, the other two covered in chocolate flakes), two little brownie bites, two little pound cake bites, strawberries, bananas, pineapple, and some extra graham crackers. You spear it, dip it, and enjoy. I'm not a huge dessert person, but Holy Lord In Heaven. Everything is so damn delicious it's impossible to not eat it all, even with your stomach lining being stretched to its considerable limit.
The bill came. Almost exactly $240, between 4 people. It was at this point I flung a hot fondue pot of chocolate at an adjacent table and we ran for it.
We headed back to Nichole and I's apartment to chill out some before we went out drinking. Plus, I had to drop the kids off at the pool as soon as possible or I'd be no fun when we went out. Also, I would have shit my pants. Not just a shart, but full blown underwear annihilation. So we relaxed, laid in the air conditioning while sweating, watched Cops. Some other friends came by and gazed upon us unsympathetically. I understand, though, as we were pretty pathetic all strewn about the living room, complaining about being so full after eating completely awesome food.
Cancun Cantina.
Yes, that's right. For those that are familiar with this establishment, I'm sure a smirk just rolled across your face. Nichole wanted to go here, mainly for The Funny. There's no other reason to go to Cancun Cantina, other than The Funny.
"Ok, I've had enough of the dumb capitalized mystery you're trying to project here," you mutter with rage in your eyes and fear in your hearts. "What is The Funny?"
It's stuff that's funny. This isn't that important, and I'm not sure why you wasted my time asking.
So we go to Cancun Cantina. Walking towards the front door, I notice the painted sign on the ground right in front of the bar. It reads, No Parking. Several Harley Davidson motorcycles are parked on top of this sign.
When you walk in, you are greeted by a large room with loud country music blaring and a dance floor full of line dancers. Awesome. You can either find yourself some room in there and rock out, or continue to the outside area, which is where we headed, not being a fan of country music, line dancing, or violent looking drunk men with tattoos, nappy facial hair, and too tight jeans.
It has been freaking hot outside. This outside area is surrounded by 10 foot castle walls, so there is absolutely no breeze coming through. It was very sauna-like. This is why I felt very sorry for the girl behind the main bar area. She was up on a small ledge, dressed in a tiger-ish leotard, low-cut at the chest and no back, but everything else is covered. She was continually moving and dancing, probably losing several pounds per hour. The song was Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me. Also, up even higher was a large white screen. Behind the screen, another Dancing Girl was back-lit, throwing her grinding shadow up on the screen. Wow.
I bought myself a Corona, which they poured into a plastic glowing cup and dumped in a lime. Tasty. It was four dollars, which is actually one less than I had assumed it would be, so that was a pleasant surprise. We found a nice space near the back with a couch, couple nice chairs and some plush ottomans, so that was nice. My ottoman was good for about 20 minutes, at which point it had become a sponge from my ass-sweat, so I moved to another.
Over the course of the night I saw many grand, beautiful things. A guy following another guy stumbling all over himself. I saw an old man hugging a server very closely from behind, his rancid breath surely taking several years off her life. I saw he had a Cancun Cantina shirt on, which made the scene even worse. I saw a lot of guys take a piss in the bathroom, turn around and walk out without washing their hands. Imagine those mitts feeling you up, girls! I saw the 1st Dancing Girl fanning herself and taking frequent girating breaks. I saw the tiki torches burning straight into the air, because there was nary a breeze to move the flame of any sort. I saw girls wearing stiletto heels and walking around in sand. Morons. Wear some flip-flops. I 100% guarantee guys won't care. I heard the phrase, "This is my song!" one hundred and twenty three times. In a row.
There might have been more that I cannot remember, as my senses were so constantly assaulted my mind threatened to retreat into the dark corners of my soul and hide until it could figure out a way to stay focused on reality and reason out a logical explanation as to why people act as they do, and when they will find out it's not amusing any longer.
I can't wait to go back!
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